Propped up in a forgotten corner amongst old bookcases, hat-stands and an eighteenth-century sea trunk, there stands an Edwardian writing desk. Leaning against it is a wonky bar stool, on top of which sits a box labelled ‘Geest Bananas’ that is actually full of aging Christmas decorations. Within this writing desk – in the third drawer down on the left-hand side, as it goes – there lives a family of mice; they moved in just a couple of months ago after looking for somewhere to sleep during the day, and to run around at night. 

Mice aren’t the only ones living in this old emporium, however. There’s Syd the big spider for instance, along with his friend Spiggy who sometimes lends a hand (or eight). And Bertie the bat hangs around upside-down in the rafters, keeping an eye on the day’s (or more often, night’s) activities.

I’m the only who knows this, of course. And when the doors close at night… well, the things I could tell you! Tales of a champion mouser, an all-out attack by crane flies, what happened on Bonfire Night, and even… spooky ghosts!

Oh, you want to hear more? Go on then. 

So, where shall we start…?


The day came when I could stand it no longer! Whenever I arrived anywhere (usually with a burst of “You’re not gonna believe this…”) the people around me knew that they would be in for yet another tale of woe about something that had just happened to me during my journey. Some would say, “I don’t know why you don’t write this all down.” My answer was always that no one would believe me… but, then again, perhaps someone out there just might. So here it is, written down. This book has been written by me for all of you. From footie fans to comical commuters, from dodgy dog-walkers to hapless (or should that be helpless) hotel guests, from what not to do at pelican crossings to tucking into a takeaway on a Friday night – it’s all here. Now, I don’t know if you are going to believe what you are about to read or not, but I can assure you that some, most or indeed all the events related in this book have happened (or will happen) to you at some point… and I wish you the very best of luck in trying not to laugh when they do!